The First Time - Behind the Scenes
by icarus-grounded
Summary: Some thoughts from the mind of the actors while filming some of the beloved scenes between Kurt and Blaine. What if Chris had to hide the feeling he developed for his co-star while still having to keep up the onscreen chemistry between them? Especially when storyline calls for them to start getting more intimate.


The First Time

The first take had been awkward. Most would think that would be a perfect representation of a couples first time together, but it wasn't like that. The room was filled with the crew tightly squeezed into corners of the room, shuffling around to try and get the best angles. For once we were not actually on a built set but instead, we were in a hired house using the bedroom that had been dressed up for the scene. It made me more aware of the others around me, and I was having a hard time getting into the moment. I didn't want to admit to myself that I was not letting myself completely fall into character this time around. It was a fantasy I had not let myself have, for the fear of falling in way too deep.

Noting my performance after the fourth try, the director suggested we clear the room and remove the majority of the people currently in it. He must have noticed the uncomfortable glances I made at everyone each time he yelled cut. He selected two camera operators and one sound guy to stay which he knew would make the whole thing a bit easier for me.

The struggle I was having was blatantly written all over my face. As the other crew members vacated the room, I sat up on the bed and took a few shaky breaths to steady myself. My hands helped wave much needed air in my general direction so that I could take it all in as deeply as possible, trying to stop my heart from racing.

Darren followed my lead and also pulled himself up into a sitting position.

"Are you okay?" he questioned. He automatically placed an arm round my shoulder to provide comfort. I allowed myself a few more deep inhales with my eyes closed to pull focus. I could do this. I had been doing it for what felt like forever now.

Nodding, I looked over to him and reassured him, "yeah, I'm fine. It was just feeling a bit overcrowded in here." I then followed that by saying more softly so only he could catch it, "don't you find this embarrassing?"

He laughed lightly at my confession and the arm around me moved to give me a more brotherly pat on the back. He smiled at me encouragingly and in agreement stated "Of course, _now_ it does. When I'm not in character and actually think about what we're doing, it can all be a bit on the embarrassing side."

His tone changed and he continued more seriously, "But when I block out all this," he gestured around the room, "it's just you and me."

He held my gaze and I could feel his confidence seeping into me and building me back up. He had always been great at easing my worries and insecurities, even though I doubt he even knew he was doing it half the time. I nodded and repeated his words back at him quietly, "just you and me."

He held out his hand and this time when I took it, everything else around me did fall away. I would regret it later; I knew I would. But for now, it was my job and if I had to lose myself in the process of getting the result that they needed then I would just have to go with it and pick up the pieces of my heart later.

He guided me to lay down again next to him on the bed and I easily followed, not once looking away from him. Now I had given in to the scene completely, it was easy to feel as if it was only the two of us. Being able to see the four walls around us, even if only in my peripheral vision, took away the grounding of reality. There was nothing to remind me that this was all for the cameras.

My hand that lay between us on the bed was still entwined with his and all I could think about was that part of us that was touching. It was my anchor, my lifeline. It was my connection to him. As he shuffled closer with his face mere centimetres apart from mine, I finally broke eye contact by letting my eyes flutter shut as I moved to rest my forehead on his. I could immediately feel my heart speed up as I knew when I next opened my eyes, he would still be looking at me. It was a look that I could get lost in forever as it openly showed me all the love and affection that he held for me.

Usually I got through these scenes by letting myself believe, even for just a few seconds that those were his true feeling, not just his interpretation of the character he was playing. I could allow myself that much. I had taught myself that as soon as the scene ended, I had to also end the fantasy. It was like a switch I had installed in myself. The same way any actor usually turns on and off his character, I had an additional setting that allowed myself to believe in a different reality. It could be called method acting, getting this caught up in the narrative but it would be incorrect to dismiss it as such when I knew it was more than that. I had not fallen for him because I was caught up in the feelings of my character with his, because it was not his _character_ that had my stomach in knots. I had taught myself to switch my feelings on and off with the role but sometimes turning it off was so much harder.

The first time I struggled with these emotions it had been another first between our two characters. The words had been unscripted, but the director had loved the way it all played out perfectly that he had used it for the show. He admitted to us after that they had already written a whole romantic episode where we would finally tell each other that we loved each other, but the way it had occurred had been so much more natural and authentic. Darren couldn't agree more, saying that in the moment it had just felt right, so he had gone with it.

We had been half way through a scene and I felt like I would barely make it through all my lines with the way he sat there, leaning his head on one hand as he just looked at me in a way that made me feel like I was everything. We had already run the scene a few times so I could just about handle the chemistry that we created between us, but this time the expression on his face took my breath away. I knew from past experience that allowing myself that small fraction of belief really made our connection really shine on screen but that was the first time it really backfired on me.

I was halfway through my lines and took a pause where I was supposed to reflect momentarily before finally saying, "you know, when you stop and think about it, Kurt Hummel has had a pretty good year." This time though, he just let it slip out unexpectedly during that pause. He was so genuine and sincere.

"I love you."

It took me a second to swallow the coffee I had just taken a sip of. It felt like the loudest gulp I had ever made in my life. That small sentence, only three words, spoken so casually. To anyone else it might have seemed like an understated confession, but it was actually perfect. I genuinely believed it. As it caught me completely off guard, I took a small breath, before I gave my honest reply, "I love you too."

Hearing the director praise how authentic it came across was no surprise to me, as on my side at least, it was the truth. I also wanted to believe it was the same for him even though I tried to shut down that trail of thought as soon as it entered my brain. They had to use a different take of the final line to add to the scene as after that I just sat there staring at him, in shock at the admission we had just made.

As he started to call my real name to get my attention, I excused myself for a bathroom break to hide how red my usually pale face had suddenly become. Sometimes, when thinking back on it all, I recall him looking hurt that I ran off straight away, but I had to face reality and remind myself that none of it was real.

That was the first time I regretted allowing myself even the smallest belief in our feelings as it crushed me. It took me days, weeks even, to turn that switch off after filming the episode. And for a while I refused to turn it back on again, but it was unsustainable. It was part of the character and to be able to give the most to my performance, I had to allow my character to feel all the things that I was currently trying to block out. It was just so hard to stop the lines between reality and fantasy blurring together.

I thought I would be okay now, having had so much practice at keeping the truth to myself. Yes, it hurt, sometimes more than others, but I dealt with it alone and in my own time. I had become able to numb the pain slightly, usually with a shot of Dutch courage when it was particularly bad, and we continued to be close out of character while still being even closer in front of the cameras. Going to work was like stepping into an amazing daydream of what I wanted us to have together. I had to tell myself it was the same as if I had a dream about him at night. Enjoy it for what it was but remember that it was all just that, a dream.

I wasn't ready though. I was completely unprepared for what was greeting me when I opened my eyes. If he had just looked at me in the same way as usual when I opened my eyes, then I could have continued the pretence and overlooked the additional detail that I was actually lying next to him on the bed. I would have been able to carry on like normal as I had prepared myself for _that_ look, but not this one.

This one included so much more than usual, it had desire and passion and a need that I had not seen from him before. All these things suddenly directed at me, and while I was in _that_ headspace, the one that allowed hope. In that moment I felt all of it. I couldn't help the swell of emotions that overtook me.

The smile that spread across my face was unstoppable. It was followed by the heat tinting my cheeks and a laughter that left my lips as the pure glee I felt could just not be contained anymore. It was exhilarating.

As I was distracted momentarily, he took hold of my wrist and brought our bodies even closer. Everywhere we touched my skin instantly ignited with a feeling of electricity pulsing through it. His knee was on my thigh, our shoulders met on the sheets, both arms now touched in multiple places and his nose was playfully brushed against mine. With the second gentle nudge, he used his little Eskimo kiss to move my head up slightly so that he could put a caste kiss on my lips. I thought he would follow it with another, but he surprised me again. I felt his warm breath on my neck just moments before he placed another small brush of the lips on the sensitive skin I had there. Straight away my heart jumped into my throat as I gasped in reaction.

He continued by moving his hand off of my wrist and slowly brushing his soft fingers down my arm. It didn't go unnoticed to my body that this was direct skin on skin contact. Before I realised it, my now released hand had also ventured elsewhere, running tentatively across his chest. Even though there was material stopping me from fully exploring the body that lay beside me, this was enough. It was more than I had allowed myself before, even in my daydreams. Plus feeling an actual person in front of me, with their strong heartbeat reverberating on my fingertips just made it all so real. I was actually here, wrapped in his arms, holding him close, ready to take our relationship to the next step.

Of course, that wasn't going to actually happen, but in this moment, to these characters that we were currently pretending to be, that was what this was leading up to. A fact that seemed all the more real with the awareness that his hand had moved all the way down my arm and come to rest on my hip. He smiled at me reassuringly once again and we both continued with the featherlight touches mixed with intermittent kisses. I knew he could feel the intensity building as the kisses became a faction of a second longer each time and we moved from light touches to unspoken requests to have more of each other.

His hand moved again and this time he used it to roll my hip towards him before it went behind me and slipped under my shirt. The bold action had my attention in more ways than one and if I was in my right mind, I would have been mortified by the knowledge that this new position meant he would be able to feel exactly how much I craved his touch. If he noticed the fact that my body was having a very positive reaction to all his attention, it did not stop him. But that was understandable, he was a professional after all. He pulled me closer, until I don't think there was a part of us that was not touching. The next kiss we shared also escalated in intensity as I parted my mouth slightly to permit entrance to his tongue after it ran across my bottom lip.

I felt like I was at breaking point. I knew I couldn't take much more.

Pulling back from the embrace, we both took a second to catch our breath before his voice dropped deeper than I had ever heard him speak before, asking "are you ready?" Without even thinking, my breath hitched before I eagerly nodded while simultaneously biting at my bottom lip nervously. I was ready. He could do whatever he wanted to me and I was happy to let him. In fact, I would welcome it whole heartedly.

Up until that moment, everything had been playing in slow motion. It felt like we had been together on this bed for hours, but as soon as I completely lost myself in everything that had happened, time returned to normal and the next embrace was over in what seemed to be only a split second as the directly called cut.

"That was perfect," he praised us both. "You gave us more than enough to work with, I think we can move on." He turned to the two camera men and they all left to sort out whatever would be filmed next that day.

We, however, were still yet to move from our positions. The interruption had stopped us from moving in for another kiss, and he no longer held me as tightly, but his hands were still on me, resting on the small of back while the other lightly touched my collar bone. I could barely breathe. I knew as soon as I did the spell would be broken.

"That was…" I started but couldn't find the words. He was also still breathing slightly quicker than what would be considered normal.

"Intense?" He finished for me. It wasn't what I would have gone with, but he was not wrong, so I nodded in agreement.

"You were amazing," he told me. He must have still thought my earlier issues were due to performance anxiety. We both slowly pulled away and sat ourselves up. I pulled at my shirt to move it back into place before running a hand through my hair to try and get it back under control. In comparison, he just left his hair as it was, so I took a moment to appreciate the current dishevelled look he was sporting. Laying together on the bed had removed a lot of the gel from his hair and it was revealing his natural curls which I preferred.

Realising I was spending a little too long just watch him pull himself together, I went to stand up before remembering I had a bit of an issue that standing would only make even more obvious.

"I'm done for the day. How about you?" He asked, the sense of desire now completely gone and replaced with the usual platonic friendship vibe. He had switched it off that easily. He stood and grabbed a bottle of water, taking a few gulps.

"Same." I replied.

"Great, want to get a bite to eat? I'm starved."

Back to reality. I knew it was coming but it still hit me harder than expected.

"Sure." I'm pretty sure my voice came out even higher than usual as I tried to mask my disappointment. "Let me change and I'll meet you in a bit."

As he went to leave, I turned my head to the side, looking up and blinking a few times to try and make sure the tears trying to escape did not fall. Unfortunately for me, he looked back at that moment. He must have noticed as he paused at the door.

"Are you alright?"

I managed to smile. "I'm fine." As I said it, I knew it sounded like a complete lie, so I tried again.

"I'm… well… I'll be fine." I didn't mean to let that slip; it was almost to obvious.

"Maybe I should just head home today." It was hard to say as I knew that I didn't want to go home. I wanted to stay with him, even if it was only as friends. I also knew it was best to separate myself from the situation before I broke down completely and confessed my undying love for him. Instead I needed to find a safe place, alone, and left myself crumble so that I could start rebuilding. If I stayed in his company, it would only delay the pain that was hiding behind my smile, not rid me of it. It was easier to face it now and get it over with.

"Sure." He looked sad, almost apologetic. For a moment it seemed like he was going to say something more, but he looked away and shook his head slightly, as if dismissing the words before they had been spoken. Then he left.


End file.
